Frankly, I have not been sleeping well this past week. While insomnia is a life-long torturous battle, these days of chaos of the election have only exacerbated it. Fact is, I have gone to sleep and awakened with the question, "So how did we get here?" I have a few random ideas.
When I put a relational spin on what is happening with the current president and his followers, along with those who have "fired" him or "divorced" him, I find some relevance. Here's what I mean by that. Every narcissist needs someone with whom to dance, or relate, or to marry, someone to carry his fragile sense of self, someone to bind his wounds. That person is generally dependent. The narcissist feels no empathy, organizes his own world, sees things in limited ways, uses rage or the threat of it to control others, gaslights, and never apologizes. We know these people. We have seen them and, yes, we live with them. The dependent person is one who out of anxiety or depression or whatever sadly enough, sells herself or himself to someone who will take care of her or him. "I am who I am because I'm with you. You give me meaning. I look good on your arm" are some meta-messages.
That dynamic forms an abusive relationship. Power and control dominate, validation doesn't occur, and the violence can be overt or covert, and it wears one out. The typical pattern of hostile attacker and anxious retreater is often seen. The dependent one has a choice ultimately, to stay and sell out or experience the pain of divorce. There is always the delicate balance of reasons to go and reasons to stay. There is also always the dynamic of the pain of leaving and the pain of staying. We stay when the pieces align. We go when the pieces align. Leaving means to rebuild one's fragile sense of self that has been trashed by the narcissistic partner.
Many in America have divorced the president. America has been abused for four years by this narcissistic president. Our partners around the world have left us because they see what is happening. It's like friends and family of the abusive partnered relationship. They may quietly say things in support, or they may stay completely silent. Nobody really wants to hang out with people in this sort of relationship or with this type of human being. Their nonverbals speak loudly to us.
As strange as it will sound to those who still are emotionally and philosophically hooked to this president, there are some of us who experience various forms of PTSD. Yes, PTSD. Traumatic event after traumatic event after traumatic. When you add that trauma of the pandemic, and when you add those to the harmful rhetoric to the lies to the deceit to the gaslighting, it's all pretty clear.
America is divorcing this president. We see a better day. We know that the days ahead, the months, the years, will all demand work and effort. We are regaining our sense of self. We stepped out and voted across the isle. Some switched sides of the isle months ago.
We have seen and felt how he treated us. We have stood by and watched how he treated others, and we watched while he listened to others who only fueled his narcissism. They have been dependent upon him, and we have experienced the abuse that such a relationship engenders.
Want evidence of this? Simply watch the president's speech last night. He displayed a quiet, controlled rage, as he blamed the numbers on a concerted effort to steal the election from him. This is one face of the narcissist who is being divorced, who doesn't take divorce well, and who wants to blame others for his failed "marriage." There is more evidence, and it's been with us for four years.
That's why he is embarrassingly fighting the election results and lying to us. It is his modus operandi. We are not surprised. It's merely what we've seen for four years.
That's why we have filed for divorce.
And, of course, we must figure out some way of being at peace with those who have not now or will likely never "divorce" him, but will continue to defend him.
We need not feel obligated to defend the reasons for our divorce. We can feel confident in what we did because it was in our best interests, our children, and the community in which we live.
Every analogy has its flaws or holes. This is only an analogy of what's happening at a national level.
Every analogy contains some truth, not all, but some.
We will sleep better soon.
Thank you for writing this. It helps me to understand this mess that we are living through.
ReplyDeleteThanks for reading these words and this perspective. It is indeed a "mess that we are living through," and I just try on occasion to make sense of it all.
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