And the Tears Came: MLK Day Reflections

MLK Day is always a poignant day for us. We know it's coming, but it always stops us in our tracks. This year's MLK Day is actually different than before. My hope is placed in a different direction and projection than the one we have been on.

So, this morning, as I stumbled into Monday and into my usual ritual of coffee, clearing the cobwebs, and reading the Text and other things, the tears came. Yes, the tears came for no explicable reason. Then I started thinking and writing. And this is what came up and out.

Raised in the racist, rural South in the afterglow of Jim Crow, those things shaped me in ways I still am deconstructing. Mr. Washington, my first black teacher, believed in me and fostered my love of learning and my interest in music. Seeing the lone black girl in our now "integrated" school is still frozen in my mind.

Lubbock Christian College, black students in Meistersinger Chorus and Bible classes, theater, social clubs, and the like, expanded my vision for people. Influenced by a drama coach who envisioned a brighter day for people of color, and shaped by her choices of productions. Influenced by a fiancé/wife who would not tolerate racist slurs.

Graduate school in Memphis and part time youth ministry at the Highland Church of Christ hit me between the emotional eyes. A predominantly white church, a black woman who worked there as a custodian taught me up, and the place and space of whites and blacks, wealth and poverty, again challenged me. When we first moved there, while looking for an apartment, Charles told us that we were not getting an apartment because of him. We did not know. He did. He was black, and a friend.

Almost two years in El Paso with a youth ministry that moved fast. Kids and families of all colors and shapes and sizes. Black kids, white kids, Hispanic kids, Indian kids, intermarried families, Spanish only in some homes of the grandparents, and again, wealth and poverty, and the distinctions between races and the ways in which adolescents of races respect each other. Going to classes at UTEP was like being in a foreign country, it occurred to me, as I looked across the Rio Grande River one morning into one of the poorest sections of Juarez. We never went there, but we did go to some fine restaurants in another section of town, but we were accompanied by people who knew the area well. We studied with and baptized a bunch of kids of all races during that time. They were hungry for connection in their violent world.

A return to Memphis opened my white eyes even further. Again, we worked with a biracial, bi-cultural group of teenagers. They were of all descriptions and family types, rich, poor, black, white, from the projects, from Germantown, intact nuclear and single parent families, and the challenges and opportunities of engaging them were rich, meaningful, and challenging. Terry Bell directed the bus program, and many African American kids came and grew up at White Station. Kids are kids without the deep seeded prejudices of us older folks, so we experimented with a huddle ministry that attempted to connect the kids into groups with each other. A weekend retreat co-led by Terry and me was the beginning of getting the kids to venture across the racial barrier into each others lives. Those were challenging days of working in the Robin Hood apartments and then speaking in the local private school. Formative days indeed.

A two year journey to West Virginia and to Ohio Valley College again proved pivotal as we worked with very poor, first time college students who grew up in the hollars, or skilled athletes who came from Cleveland, Ohio to attend this small private college. The notions of races and class continued to be imprinted upon my heart. How are we the same, how are we different, and where is this thing going?

Then after those two years, we began a 24 year stay in Abilene and at ACU. Teaching and mentoring all manner of students, men and women, just out of college and those returning to be retooled, Protestant, Catholic, Mormon, and as a reflection of the field of mental health, not very many people of color. Some, though, came from other states, Africa, South Africa, the Pacific Rim, and we all grew together. We knew what we needed to teach, but we had to learn how to teach and they needed to learn what they needed to learn and to return to their people. In many ways, that task made their people my people.

Then, a life-changing call came from a civil rights attorney one afternoon, offering me the opportunity to engage in the Black farmers movement as a consulting psychologist, doing psychological and family evaluations and assessing for damages to health and well-being for those seeking justice before the DOJ and USDA. This was life-changing and earth moving in my head and heart. Still does. That decision led to trips to the farms, to Washington, DC, and to seeing how those in power treat those who are disempowered. I could never return to the comfort of my previous space and place.

Then, after 24 years, we bought into the vision of developing programs and services for my wife's ancestral people in Oklahoma. We did not buy the vision without much prayer and consultation. We laid out seven or eight of those proverbial fleeces. So, we moved, despite my deeply held inside misgivings. This part of the journey involved envisioning and building things that would serve the marginalized American Indians of a 13 county region. It was a challenge. Stepping out of my comfort zone and working with those whose tribes had been marginalized for centuries, who had been kicked to the curb. At some point in that journey, I transitioned to building supra-structures and budgets and administrative sorts of things. I struggled to keep the vision of serving marginalized people alive because I was living and working around wealth, far beyond what I had ever earned. I had transitioned from being a social justice advocate to a part of a bureaucracy, and I had moved away from my first love.  Still, we learned a lot in those days about language, culture, values, history, privilege, marginalization, and what red and blue meant.

Finally, when the time was right, we returned to our beloved Homeland and to the work that calls deeply within my heart. I understand that I play only a minor role in the grand scheme of things. That does not trouble me at all. We are more involved in the Black farmer movement than ever before. Speaking at land summits, serving informally with BFAA, and fund-raising for African American farmers are some small things that I can do. Researching stories of farmers and working toward publication of several things keeps the dream alive of telling their stories in places and space where they cannot go, a promise I made to them while on faculty renewal leave in 2005.

The invitation to join Regenerative Outcomes was not a quick decision for me. When Charla pointed out that it involved among many other things the notion of justice. If these treatments are not covered by major medical insurance, only rich white people will be able to afford them.

We will soon begin fund raising for one of the most compelling stories of an African American families I have ever met. Their journey is one that moves me deeply, their story one that is in our hearts, and it is friends that we call them, and they call us. All stories move me, this one in particular.

So, all of these things flowed just sitting and pondering the fact that this is MLK Day in America? Yes and no. I will read things he wrote today. We will watch his speeches. We will once again be moved by his dream. On the one hand, I feel as if his dreams are being derailed in the current political climate. I am deeply distressed by that.  On the other hand, his dreams are more deeply embedded in the hearts of good people than can be taken away by one administration at one point in time. I am committed to working toward that end.

So, to sum it all up, in my days of retirement, I am still just one white voice in a huge wilderness. There are other voices of all races, genders, and classes, and we are committed to equality for all of God's children. The voice of the church must sound the call to justice loudly and clearly along with political and economic voices.

When we listen today to "I Have a Dream," my heart will be moved. My convictions will be pricked. I am praying that across this great land of ours, we can all work to make justice and equality something that endures until the Lord returns.

That is my story and why the tears came, at least part of it and a small slice of why.

What about you and why your heart is moved on this day?

Another Day in America

Another day in America
My land, my home
Freedom rings
Why feel so alone.

Liberty won, freedoms gained

People lie beneath the sod
Their blood on the land
For which we stand.

Future in doubt

Chaos all about
“Deliver us from ourselves”
Is what I want to shout.

The hungry and the children

The aliens without a roof
Hovering in the cold
While we stand aloof.

Shouts from the mountaintops

Some hanging from the crane
Marches of millions
Words actions and change.

Why feel hope

A good question there.
People stand in solidarity
Because we care.

Hope for our children

Justice for the poor
Healthcare for women
Our future at our door.

God on His throne

Heaven a long way from here
The Kingdom is at hand
There is no need to fear.

The Best Of Us Here

I cannot unhear

I cannot unsee

I cannot unfeel

I cannot un-anything.

 

You see

It's not in me 

To ignore 

Their pleas, their cries, their sighs.

 

You see

It's not in me

To ignore

Their hopes, their dreams, their cries.

 

And we see

It's not in us

To ignore

Their hopes, their dreams, their sighs.

And we see
It's not in us
To ignore
Their hopes, their dreams, their cries.

 

So, with all of my being

And with all of our being

 

We will hear

We will see

We will feel

We will everything good.

 

The best of you

The best of me

The best of them 

The best of all of us here.

Inauguration Day Blues

Inauguration day blues,
They done got me down
Dreams were heavy
Hate that alarm’s sound.

Crawled out of bed

I moved real slow
I hope the world keeps on agoin'
And then I’ll know.

This floor is cold

The air still bites
Gotta jack up the temperature
To make the room right.
 
Wonderin' if everyone
Feels this way
Inauguration day comin'
In the bed I want to stay.

The cold, cruel world

Hollers way too loud
Under the covers I hide
I am not too proud.

Get my lazy butt up

I say inside of me
The dawn's now breakin'
We’ll see what we can see.

This here house

Will warm up real soon
But those out there
Still howlin' at the moon.

Me in my comfort

To my entitlement I cling
People over yonder
Other songs do sing.

The sun is comin' up

It’ll be daylight pretty quick
I’d better have a reason
Or I’d better be sick.

There is work to do

To make the world a better place
Righteousness is at hand
Bless the world His savin' grace.

Who gets to spread the news

About our cause
Her, him, and me
Gives me a right hard pause.
 
There’s trouble in the land
It is plain to see
Some folks have the power
But not for them or me.

I’m actually one of those

The rich and the white
But others work just as hard
Just can’t overcome the plight.

So, I’ve gotten out of bed

I hope you’ll understand
Gotta make our way around
Just as much as I can.

A word here and there

Spoken into places of power
A look in the face
This is not our finest hour.

We do what we do

And we’ll do it again
We’ll speak a little louder
It’s just part of the plan.

Until that day comes

We’ll be gathered some day
Before the throne of God
Just wonderin’ what He’ll say.

 

Who Shall We Follow

To whom shall we give our loyalty
                         to whom shall we speak respectful words
                         and to whom shall we promise to honor and respect

Who Oh Lord other than you

             You Oh Lord command our attention
                         You call us to look to the heavens
                          You prompt us to look beyond ourselves

We are nothing but who we are
             we are not more than what we are supposed to be
             humans we are humans we will be
                          and when we die we will die as humans

 While humaning upon the earth

             we yearn for things for ideals
             for principles for righteousness
                          for fairness equity legitimacy to all of Your people

We in our humaning at times want
             another human like us to lead us
             we know that in closeness there can be trust
                          we assume that some like us and different from us can lead us

For some of us in our humaning
             we want the leader to speak like us think like us live like us
             lead how we would live in our darkest places
                           and other such ideas of unspeakable nonsense

For some of the rest of us in our humaning

             we want a leader who inspires provokes encourages
             all manner of good like kindness generosity service
                            and other such ideas of speakable decency

We yearn for one who will lead
             since we cannot to go into arenas
             to which we are not invited for him or her
                             to represent truth about us speak for us not to speak like us

In our better selves as we human upon this earth
             we may imagine ourselves humaning like him
             we are caught up in our shame dehumanizing other humans we
             laugh or cry or rain shame upon us
                            we have done or thought the same

At other times we cringe knowing

             he demeans others who are human like us
            would prompt rage and anger were
                             he or anyone else to treat us with similar words phrase tones sentences

 In our better selves as humans

             as we human upon this earth
            we image ourselves humaning like him and
                            we rise and say glory hallelujah thank you

 That which is the best of our internal selves

             seen upon the grandest of stages
             a reflection of our ideals as we yearn to be and
             in amazement we stand as his and hers and their
                             humaning rise above the noise the din the insanity of a world gone mad

 Which human do I follow most instinctively

            which human do I most aspire to look sound
             behave like which human prompts internal conflicts
             as he speaks arouses behaves conducts the affairs on behalf
                             of those of us who cannot be there but can be only here

I reflect upon the people of Israel

            wanted a king God gave with a warning careful what you ask
             the kings did their kinging badly or well
                            David inspired with his devotion dancing writing singing playing

 I reflect upon the people of Israel

             got more than they asked for Solomon inspired
             with his wisdom and knowledge and skills of building leading
                            Ahab and Ahaziah inspired fear hide shrink mind our own business

 Inspire us again O Lord

             allow us to watch and sing and dance
             before you with joy mercy righteousness
                             leave behind our days of fear anger worry dread embarrassment

Bring again our truer better righteous selves as a people country

             to inspire prompt better higher nobler things characteristics
             treatment of people like different same not so same
                             people and planet we call home for others to call home

Words Words Words Words

Words
            Words
                        Words.

Words all around
             Fall to the ground.

 Words offend

            Others befriend.

 Words describe

            Some let us hide.

Words reveal

            Curiosity can’t conceal.

Words infuriate

            Make no mistake.

Words explain

            Mysteries remain.

Words matter

            Some just splatter.

Words elicit fear

            Some bring us cheer.

Words embrace

            Problems we face.

Words from the tweeter

            A misplaced cheater.

Words from another

            Bring hope to a brother.

Words from on high

            Come soon lest we die.

Words

            Words
                        Words.

Yes. Words. Words. Words.

           

One More Meandering Prayer as We Wait

The following is another of my meandering prayers written and prayed in the early morning hours. If there is a prompt, it was the words of Howard Thurman, "The Hasty Word (1969)," in Washington's Conversations with God: Two Centuries of Prayers by African Americans. I have read this book almost daily for several years.  I find its pages moving, in some ways similar to hearing my wife, daughters in law, or sisters in law pray. 

January 6, 2017

God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob; God of Saul, David, and Solomon; God of the prophets, the kings, and the ordinary people; God of the Republicans, the Democrats and the Independents; and God of those who live in this house.

I wait in this place of quietness, considering the noise out there beyond this place, the noise in the streets, the noise in the newspapers, the noise in cyberspace, the noise in the halls of Congress, and the noise in New York City.

We are waiting, waiting, waiting, and waiting. Some of us know why we are waiting, what we are waiting for, and know when that for which we wait has arrived. Some of us are blind to that for which we are waiting. Some of us are disturbed at the waiting. Some of us are satisfied. Some of us are blind to the power and fury that lies within and beyond us. Some of us wait for the power and fury and the chaos to depart. Some of us as we wait fear that the power, and the fury, and the chaos, and the uncertainty will remain.

We live with daily tweets, final speeches, summaries of the one leaving, demands for the one coming, bathroom bills, discriminatory bills in all sorts of states, hacks into our private servers, threats to other nations, undoing of ACA and Planned Parenthood, walking papers to the appointeds, other nations gleeful at our elected, violence in the streets and on the screen, and the hungry are still hungry, the cold still cold, the children still worry, the families still worry.

Some of us are spending more time in the Book than in front of the news feeds. Some of us know particular news feeds more than we know the Book, or any book for that matter.

Most lives don’t matter unless they look and think and feel and worship and speak like me. Some of us are troubled by that, deeply so, and for some of us those of us who are troubled have lives that don’t matter. Just get over it. I am not sure that I can get over being told just get over it.

We long to be purified of our wrong-doings, wrong-believings, wrong-thinkings, and whatever other wrong-wrongs you see in us. You see our self-satisfactions, you observe our pride, you know all too well are arrogance and finger pointing and belittling those in power as well as the least of these.

In this place of quiet, I reflect upon friends and family who are estranged from each other due to the politics of the day. Our people are in disarray. We voted for whomever we voted or we did not vote and now we await the outcome of it all. Those who voted one way appear as arrogant, with various ways of saying, “I told you so,” or “just get over it,” or “join the crowd now that you see you are wrong.” Those who voted another way appear angry, hurt, demeaned, misunderstood, bewildered, defensive, troubled, saying, “What has happened to us? Where have our dreams gone? Who will take care of the children, the poor, the unemployed, those who live on life’s margins, those whose skin colors do not match ours, those whose language is not the same as ours, those whose religious beliefs are not like ours, those who clothing is not like ours?”

We are torn. Should we trust or mistrust our government? Should we trust or mistrust You? Should we trust or mistrust family and friends? Should we trust or mistrust ourselves?

We are a proud people. Independence, power, strength, values, armaments, stance in the world, exceptionalism, and all sorts of other values undergird our thinking. Some of us wonder where the values of service to humanity, the poor, the underprivileged, the lonely, the marginalized, where they all fit in. We hold the power to unblock or unfriend or ignore with great pride and satisfaction.

We glory in our party and its wins and losses. We are shattered when the vote goes the other way. We are troubled when one vote does not count as another vote. We are troubled when some votes are simply thrown aside as invalid. We are troubled when people fear voting. We are also troubled when people fail to vote because they do not believe that it matters.

Some people live in perpetual silence. Some of us,  Father, live in perpetual loudness, or confusion, or disarray.

We are dogmatic in our thinking and believing. Our dogmatism convinces us that we are right and others are wrong. Our dogmatism and all that goes with it slices and dices the world into neat little categories, manageable pieces, people, places, things, policies, locations.

We categorize. We categorize our categories. We categorize the categories of our categories. That means that. One thing stands for all.  We demand that all fits into this little box, or that little sack, or that little building, or that huge tall structure.

Those of us who sit in the silence and those of us who walk about with megaphones have the same doubts. We have the same desires once we discover them. Those with megaphones proclaim loudly that which is different from our own, or sometimes we claim for our own those who carry the megaphones and the pulpits or the street corners.

We sit in silence though we are not silent. While we are quiet, our minds are busy.

We wait for your movement amongst us as you did during the times of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob; the days Saul, David, and Solomon; the places and spaces of the kings, the prophets, and the common people; and today, the Republicans, the Democrats, the Independents.

You are God. We are not. We do not know that. Perhaps you are reminding us of that.

Knowing that is painful. We pray that others will know that the way we know that.

We pray that knowing will bring peace and humility and whatever else you know we need.

Of that we are afraid or hopeful or perplexed.

Perhaps we will know soon.

Maybe our silence will turn into words and actions. Maybe the din of our day will turn into quiet.

May the words of lips and the meditations of our hearts be acceptable in your sight, O Lord.